when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
