Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
