kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
