The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
