Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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