Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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