Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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