I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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