I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
