I met the friendliest cop last night
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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