bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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