i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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