So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
