new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
