I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
