I bet he comes in French.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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