Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
