I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
