Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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