quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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