i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
