just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
