When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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