i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
