My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
