i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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