Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I could fuck to npr.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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