shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
