Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Semen is not good for contacts.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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