I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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