umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
