Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
