Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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