yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
