i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
