yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
