I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize