You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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