Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
