if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
