I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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