I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
