Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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