I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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