I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
