How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
