i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
