I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
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