Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
