Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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