i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
