hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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