So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
