I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
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