i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
