i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
