1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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