She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
