I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
it's great music for shaving your balls
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
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Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
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Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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