i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
