Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
