I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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